Momma is so very tired. I haven’t been sleeping well again…for many reasons. One of which being that I long to be near you so badly that the pain in my bones and the ache in my soul keep me awake. In one million years, it could never rival the pain you endured, little warrior; but it hurts all the same.
The weather has also been obstructing me from sleep. Sunday night we had a hail storm. (Are you processing this, Paxton? A HAIL storm, in Wisconsin, at the tail end of January. I rest my case. The world is a hot ass mess.) The hail came down, so heavy and so fast, that I was sure the west side of our house was going to give way to the beating and collapse. Daddy & Lucas had relocated to the other bedroom earlier in the night, so it was just Giraffey, me, and the hail. As if on cue, my tears began to pour down too; not because I was scared the house would collapse – in that moment, I would have welcomed it. My reaction was most certainly primal in nature. I was crying because I wanted to be stirred awake by the hail…but, remained in the ‘mom-stealing-sleep’ state of awake, as I waited for your cry. I wanted to have to will myself, against exhaustion, out of bed. I wanted to amble down to your room – without even needing to fully open my eyes. I wanted to reach into your crib, wrap you into my arms, and hold you until your sobs subsided. I wanted to comfort you from the storm. I wanted to tell you it was going to be okay, and know for sure, that it was true. Times like these are when the silence of your absence is most deafening. I will never quite be able to explain the sheer torture which accompanies being your Momma from so far away. To make matters worse the chap your ass cold, which has followed the hail storm, hasn’t aided in the sleep department either. Cold has a way of heightening my (chronic) fear that you are not warm enough. I realize this fear is somewhat (heavily) rooted in my own issues with never being quite warm enough. Regardless – I worry you, too, are cold.
As the days draw closer to your birthday, I am drawn closer to Hell. The memories of last year at this time have been flooding my consciousness. I have been recounting snap-shots of the final weeks of my pregnancy with vivid precision, which has been bittersweet. On one hand, I have caught myself smiling – yes, smiling. I have smiled on the outside (like using my facial muscles and all), as moments come back into my mind. On the other hand, I feel like the walls are getting a little bit closer, and the air a little bit heavier with each passing day. The bottom line, I am so completely dreading February 12th, that when I forget to concentrate, I almost throw up. In fact, I had a very close call in Follo’s office today. I didn’t even realize it happened until the look on his face registered in my very, slow processing brain. When he asked ‘what the hell was wrong with me’ – I couldn’t come up with a lie quickly enough. So, without really intending to, I flatly admitted, “I almost puked. I’m sorry. Don’t worry, I’m okay now.” He sat frazzled for a few counts, before suggesting I go get some pretzels. So I did. (Poor guy. I am sure by now he has asked for a stipend to deal with me on a day to day basis.)
Last year at this time, I was almost 38 weeks pregnant. During the final two weeks, one of the things you and I spent a lot of time doing was picking out the songs for Baby’s Birthday Playlist. It was the compilation of songs we played at the hospital while you and I were in labor. I spent hours and hours searching the internet, iTunes, Daddy’s iPod. You spent hours and hours giving me thumbs up or thumbs down on each song….via kicks and jabs – serious ones – not ‘flutter’ ones. In the end, our hard work payed off. We came up with the most perfect list.
Speaking of music, and of you, here is your lullaby for tonight. It is by One EskimO. As you know, they are the group who sings “Amazing”, which was the song playing when you arrived, and were placed safely in my arms. That being said, I am hopeful you will like this song too. The animation is so stinking adorable. But, listen to the words, sweet boy; they do a beautiful job conveying all I am feeling tonight.
You’re in every little thing I touch.
I miss you more…today…than ever before. And, I love you even more than I miss you.
Stay with me, sweet boy.