There is so much to tell you, but it all ends the same…every minute, every moment, every breath of the past six months has hurt. I know, however, that my pain is nothing compared to all you endured. Despite the relentless stream of pain, the past six months have rendered me more in love with you. Nothing else, however, is right. My brave, strong, beautiful, perfect Peaceful Warrior, I am so very sorry. I am sorry you are not fast asleep in your cozy crib, with Giraffey tucked safely under your arm (or leg). I am sorry you didn’t get a bedtime story – – or two. I am sorry you missed your first Christmas: the snow, the lights, Santa, sugar cookies – your Elf on the Shelf (who remains unnamed). I am sorry you haven’t had me bundle you way too warm, on “not that cold of a day”. I am sorry you haven’t woken up in the middle of the night from teething, or just a soaking wet diaper. I am sorry you didn’t hear me sing to you in the car this morning after becoming a bit overexcited from the mere glimpse of your adorable face in the rearview mirror. Most of all, I am sorry one million times over that I failed to protect you from the pain, the fear, the torture that was your unwelcome, yet unwavering, guest. This notion will continue to haunt me throughout every single day I exist without you.
Today needs to be over. I hate the 2nd…I hate the 12th too…and, I also happen to hate everyday in between. Have I mentioned lately, I hate every second without you, little man? I will be more positive next time I write. But, I am tired; my heart hurts; my eyes sting. Today mostly needs to be over because the end of the day is met with night. Nighttime is a (socially acceptable) time to sleep. I look forward to sleep these days – simply because it presents the possibility I may find you in my dreams. You aren’t there very often. I understand. It is not your responsibility to make Momma feel better. All the same, it makes me happy when you stop by. I have memorized each ‘frame’ of the three times you’ve come…down to the detail of the precise shade of background colors.
I hope you are happy. I hope you are warm. I hope you are safe.
Stay with me, sweet boy.