Holding Me Down

Sweetest Diddy,

Tonight, I cannot bear my pain. Tonight, I want to give up.

Nights like tonight, I find myself playing, this song over and over again. It rocks me to my very core. The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that Gabriel Kelley was a bereaved mother in his past life. (There is no other explanation for him taking the words out of my mouth and creating one of the most beautiful songs ever written.) Despite the darkness expressed within the lyrics, the song itself brings Momma a sense of peace. As it plays, I don’t even have to close my eyes to envision you tucked in my arms on that warm, afternoon in late June. It was one of the most painstaking, yet endearing, days we endured together. I am not brave enough to recount the extent of your discomfort ; nor is it necessary. Alas, after 24 – 36 grueling hours of unrelenting agony, you and I found temporary refuge in your bedroom. I am not sure why, and fear you may have simply grown weary from sobbing and/or from the unwavering aches and pains, but you found comfort enough to let your cries temporarily subside. So there we stayed, rocking as one, for five beautiful, unabridged, unforgettable hours.

We covered a lot of topics that day. We shared secrets, dreams, fears and wishes. We listened to music on my iPhone, and sang other songs I made up on the cuff. I vividly recall the view outside your bedroom window of the summer sun disappearing behind the horizon. I remember pleading with the sun, through tear-filled eyes, to find a cure for you before coming back in morning. As the bittersweet afternoon morphed into evening, I mindlessly scrolled through my phone, while simultaneously rocking you. I came across a link your Uncle Stephen posted on his Facebook page. Accompanying the link, a brief statement explaining that while at Gabriel Kelley’s live show, (the song) “…brought me to my knees”. Your uncle is one of the most brilliant, introspective, kind, and gentle souls I know. When he speaks, there is bound to be meaning in his message.

This incidence afforded no exception. Without uttering a single word, Uncle Stephen (and Mr. Kelley’s genius talent), unknowingly relayed the most life-altering news. The anger, the fire, the smoke, the heartache – – the reason it was hard for me to breathe – – could no longer be denied.

I hope you remember that day with even the smallest bit of fondness. It would be selfish for me to ask for it back; as you were in far too much pain. Yet, I would give anything to hold you in my arms, feel your skin against mine, and listen to you breathe.

I wish you didn’t get sick. I don’t know why this all happened. I will never, ever forgive myself. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are warm enough.

Stay with me, sweet boy.

xoox

Momma

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4 thoughts on “Holding Me Down

  1. such an amazing piece of prose obviously inspired by a special connection. i know gabriel personally and i am in complete agreement with you that his spirit is commanded by a higher authority–be it some past life personality or a knowledge of something that is to the core “known by few.” his lyrical honesty is a driving force that allows me to see the beauty in most everything–a poet putting words to our stories through his voice.

  2. You write so beautifully, but I am sorry you had to find this voice in the first place. You should be rocking your sweet boy to bed instead of loving him from afar. My healing thoughts are always with you.

  3. Thank you for the entirely unwarranted praise. Amy said I should check out this blog entry and I finally did tonight. I have to admit that I have been listening to Gabriel, but some how avoiding Holding Me Down. I don’t know why. I don’t think it was by conscious decision, maybe I just didn’t feel like listening to it. Again, I don’t know why. However, early Friday morning, unknowing of your blog topic, I, subconsciously needing a good cry, picked Holding Me Down and let the tears fall and thoughts swirl in my head. I know, now, why I needed to hear that song again. I have been reading your thoughts (through the blog; I wouldn’t want that power) and I have been gaining a deeper appreciation of your every day. I can’t and won’t say that I’ll ever know the depth of your pain, but Holding Me Down lets me glimpse the raw emotion that wells inside you. Please know this: I love you, John and our Peaceful Warrior at Peace.

  4. Dear Danna…
    After reading your post..my heart opened and filled with Light.. and I had to let you know..mother to mother…heart to heart … that you are deeply loved . You & your family will be on my mind & in my heart always. We are all in this life together..connected in so many unseen & amazing ways…. I gave birth to 3 sons, who have now grown to be loving & compassionate men ..The youngest one being Gabriel Kelley. Here the beautiful unseen connections are made visible. The great wonders of Life & the mystery of Love come clear…Thank you for sharing ..A gift to us ALL. Full of gratitude.. I wish you Peace..
    Love
    Beth Kelley Zorbanos

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