Stuck.

Diddy,

I am stuck. I am downstairs on the couch, Daddy and Lucas went to bed nearly four hours ago. I am tired; in fact, I am exhausted. Once again, I am stalling the inevitable close to another day. Any sensible person would take one look at me and tell me to ‘go to sleep’. They would likely add some sage advice, such as “…you’ll feel better with a little sleep”, or “you’ll feel better in the morning”. I cannot sleep. And, no, Soothsayer, I won’t feel better in the morning. If you want to know the truth, chances are I will feel worse. For the love of licorice, I am a Bowe; I have never liked mornings. I think I may have a severe allergy to them. (Ask Nana and Papa, they can attest that this has been a life-long condition.)

I have been dreading the entire month of February…since the month of July. Despite my pleas for some omniscient power to freeze time – or better yet, turn back time – the world has continued to rotate on its axis. Without my consent, the sun has persisted to rise and to set. The long days, and even longer nights, have compiled into weeks; and the weeks have have proceeded to roll into months.

Alas, here we are…February 5th. Exactly one week away from your 1st birthday. Given the preoccupation I’ve had regarding next week, one would think I would have found a way to better combat the darkness which now completely engulfs my insides. I now know for certain, that not even kryptonite would prove powerful enough to ward off the grief of childless mother.

In her recently released ballad, Pink has seamlessly managed to compose my love song to you. She has done so far more articulately and beautifully than I would ever be able. That being said, here is your lullaby for tonight. May the lyrics wrap around your heart and the message soothe you into a peaceful slumber. May you know in the deepest part of your soul that although a minute would not nearly be long enough – Momma would give anything to have just one more with you.

I hope you are safe. I hope you are warm. Most of all, I hope you are happy.

Stay with me, sweet boy.

xoox

Momma

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