june gloom. and i really can’t stop throwing up.

Paxton,

Momma has been feeling like a giant pile o’ poo lately. It’s the type of ‘don’t feel good’ where I sincerely struggle to get out of bed every morning. When I finally force my feet to the ground, and my legs to take consecutive steps in front of the other – I go into auto pilot until I make it into work. Once I arrive, I have to fight to stay upright and continually wonder if “today will be the day” I finally collapse on the ground and give up. Ambling through every day like this is just another part of my new ‘normal’. A ‘normal’ that only a bereaved parent could possibly understand. Anyone who can’t relate to my ‘normal’ – should occupy their spare time thanking the sun, the moon, and the stars for being the lucky ones.  Not understanding my ‘normal’ means they haven’t had their child die in their arms.

I guess I took a giant step back in my grief, because my body feels as empty, yet mysteriously heavy, as it did in the initial weeks following your death. I thought I had finally made it past the darkest of dark places; but I should know by now that this grief will continue to comes in waves for the rest of my life. When I least expect it, the riptides of grief come crashing to around me and attempt to pull me under. With each return, the undertow becomes harder and harder to fight. Somewhere along the way, someone very near and dear to me shared his painfully keen insight on grief. He said, “Believe me, sweetheart, the grief will never go away. It’ll come in waves for the rest of time. It has to come in waves; if it came all at once, no human could ever survive its toll.” He couldn’t have been more accurate. It will come as no surprise when I tell you he is a bereaved father. Only a parent who has lost a child could know of such unrelenting and unceasing pain.

Maybe I am feeling extra sad because another school year has come and gone. And, now I’m facing what I know will be another long and lonely summer without you. I can’t help but imagine all the things you and I would do together to fill our endless summer days. Momma and Diddy: a Dynamic Duo.  This summer, in particular, would be especially fun-filled. Two and a half – a perfect age for all types of perfect mischief. How in the world will I survive another summer without you? Why can’t we be together running wild and free? How did cancer ever end up inside your tiny body? Why didn’t I take you into the doctor sooner? How didn’t the treatment work? Where are you now? When is somebody going to end this sick fucking joke and bring you back?

I still think that, Diddy. Even after all this time, I have moments when I actually think someone is going to show up at my door and hand you back to me. I want to scream sitting here on my couch, staring at my favorite picture of you – so alive, so animated, so happy. Even your eyes are smiling at me. As I look into your blue eyes, for a split second, I wonder if you were even real. The life I knew with you seems so long ago. Another lifetime ago. In the deepest parts of my soul, I know it was another lifetime. I know that lifetime is gone. But, I still try to cling to the moments I had with you. As time goes on it gets harder to remember. My old memories are being replaced by new memories: as if they are in competition with one another. I promise you this: neither are going to win this fight.

I want my old memories, especially the good memories with you, more than anything in this world. The good memories are so hard to recall. Sometimes remembering them is just as painful as remembering the bad, cancer memories. I wish I could say I have found just a little peace with all of this, but I have not. I wonder how parents who’ve watched their child die, find peace. Do they ever truly find it, or just fragments of it here and there? Feeling at peace about you dying is never going to be reality for me; and that’s fine. At least I’m being honest with myself and what life feels like to continue in this life without you – which is still hell on earth every.fucking.day.

I think I am going to throw up now.

Thank you for being my eternal sunshine.

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Stay with me, Sweet Boy.

xoox,

Momma

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