This past weekend Momma went on one hell of a bender. And not the too much fun, due to too much wine type bender. It was an emotional bender – of epic proportions. One caused by mixing too many feelings, in too short of time…and not being capable of sleeping them off. My Lovelies arranged a gorgeous event fit for a queen, rather a princess, last Saturday. Marygrace lead the charge on pulling it off…despite my insistence that it was not necessary, and my pleas to not make me do it, she ultimately convinced me that it was exactly the exact thing I needed. I knew she was right. Grace is almost always right. (Almost.) I also went along with it because of my obsession of doing ‘everything different’ this time around. I’m playing a Jedi Mind trick that ‘doing everything different’ this time, will keep cancer (and frauds) at bay.
So even though my heart was saying ‘no’, my mouth agreed to let my Lovelies sprinkle me with good, pure love. But it took everything I had NOT to cancel on them. And they knew it; which is why Lala showed up at my house an hour prior to “start time” to be my chauffeur. As we drove along, in order to not tell her to bust a U-turn and take me home, I preoccupied myself with a stern talking to. “You cannot cancel on your friends. Look at all they have done for you. As much as you want to hide, you just cannot. Not today, Danna. Make good on your word. Spend this day with your friends who love your spicy ass so much.”
I had to take a lot of mental time outs to get through the day. I’ve become so exquisitely versed in ‘blacking out’, while seemingly carrying on as normal, that I’m convinced even Lala & Grace don’t know when I’m doing it. The entire affair was as beautiful as it was difficult. I don’t ever experience a moment of pure bliss anymore. For even the purest of moments are tainted by the fact that you are dead. For obvious reasons, today’s near-bliss was particularly tainted. Throughout the event, I had many moments of happiness, but many more moments of complete and utter sadness, pain, shock, and just a feeling of being overwhelmed. The overwhelmed ‘panic-in-my-soul’ feeling never fully goes away. I suppose it makes sense that I am forever riding the cusp of a panic attack. I have suffered the greatest loss one can endure. Conversely, I now have the greatest gift growing inside of me – for which I am immeasureably grateful. Even as I oh-so-cautiously prepare for this precious life to enter the world, I feel death lurking all around me, because I am still so heavily grieving the loss of you.
Life. Death. Two dichotomous, yet equally powerful forces are literally at war inside of my heart. I want so desperately to experience true and unconditional love again, but am just as desperately afraid to allow myself such a luxury. Mostly, I am afraid because everything I have ever loved, I have lost. But also because I fear that in loving a new life, I will somehow abandon a portion of the immense love I have for you. Even as I write this, the notion of anything or anyone being able to make me love you, even a fraction of an ounce, less sounds ludicrous. Yet, these are the thoughts which race through my mind on a steady loop.
Not a day passes when I don’t take pause to realize how lucky I am to have these women in my life. The whole lot of them are one in a trillion. But I am also very aware of why they are here. They are here, in full-force, because you are gone. My Lovelies have always been integral forces in my life, yet the beautiful roles which they have stepped up and so seamlessly and selflessly assumed in your Momma’s shit-balls-crazy life is well beyond my capacity to understand. Suffice it to say, I am eternally indebted to each one of them for surrounding me, holding me up, and loving me … loving you, and loving your little sister too.
I sure hope you don’t mind the explosion of pink that went off in your room today.
Stay with me, Sweet Boy.