i have a hang-over. please pass the kleenex.

Paxton,

This past weekend Momma went on one hell of a bender. And not the too much fun, due to too much wine type bender. It was an emotional bender – of epic proportions. One caused by mixing too many feelings, in too short of time…and not being capable of sleeping them off. My Lovelies arranged a gorgeous event fit for a queen, rather a princess, last Saturday. Marygrace lead the charge on pulling it offdespite my insistence that it was not necessary, and my pleas to not make me do it, she ultimately convinced me that it was exactly the exact thing I needed. I knew she was right. Grace is almost always right. (Almost.) I also went along with it because of my obsession of doing ‘everything different’ this time around. I’m playing a Jedi Mind trick that ‘doing everything different’ this time, will keep cancer (and frauds) at bay.

So even though my heart was saying ‘no’, my mouth agreed to let my Lovelies sprinkle me with good, pure love. But it took everything I had NOT to cancel on them. And they knew it; which is why Lala showed up at my house an hour prior to “start time” to be my chauffeur.  As we drove along, in order to not tell her to bust a U-turn and take me home, I preoccupied myself with a stern talking to. “You cannot cancel on your friends. Look at all they have done for you. As much as you want to hide, you just cannot. Not today, Danna. Make good on your word. Spend this day with your friends who love your spicy ass so much.”

I had to take a lot of mental time outs to get through the day. I’ve become so exquisitely versed in ‘blacking out’, while seemingly carrying on as normal, that I’m convinced even Lala & Grace don’t know when I’m doing it. The entire affair was as beautiful as it was difficult. I don’t ever experience a moment of pure bliss anymore. For even the purest of moments are tainted by the fact that you are dead. For obvious reasons, today’s near-bliss was particularly tainted. Throughout the event, I had many moments of happiness, but many more moments of complete and utter sadness, pain, shock, and just a feeling of being overwhelmed. The overwhelmed ‘panic-in-my-soul’ feeling never fully goes away. I suppose it makes sense that I am forever riding the cusp of a panic attack. I have suffered the greatest loss one can endure. Conversely, I now have the greatest gift growing inside of me – for which I am immeasureably grateful. Even as I oh-so-cautiously prepare for this precious life to enter the world, I feel death lurking all around me, because I am still so heavily grieving the loss of you.

Life. Death. Two dichotomous, yet equally powerful forces are literally at war inside of my heart. I want so desperately to experience true and unconditional love again, but am just as desperately afraid to allow myself such a luxury. Mostly, I am afraid because everything I have ever loved, I have lost.  But also because I fear that in loving a new life, I will somehow abandon a portion of the immense love I have for you. Even as I write this, the notion of anything or anyone being able to make me love you, even a fraction of an ounce, less sounds ludicrous. Yet, these are the thoughts which race through my mind on a steady loop.  

Not a day passes when I don’t take pause to realize how lucky I am to have these women in my life. The whole lot of them are one in a trillion. But I am also very aware of why they are here. They are here, in full-force, because you are gone. My Lovelies have always been integral forces in my life, yet the beautiful roles which they have stepped up and so seamlessly and selflessly assumed in your Momma’s shit-balls-crazy life is well beyond my capacity to understand. Suffice it to say, I am eternally indebted to each one of them for surrounding me, holding me up, and loving me … loving you, and loving your little sister too.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I sure hope you don’t mind the explosion of pink that went off in your room today.

Stay with me, Sweet Boy.

xoox

Momma

Advertisements

home is where your lala is.

Paxton,

It’s official. Lala and Uncle Stephen have moved to town! It is hard to process all they’ve done, and undone, in the past four months. Besides the obvious upheaval moving one’s family across the state entails, your Lala is severely allergic to change. All who know her know this to be an undeniable fact. For example, Lala has still not been able to ‘part’ with her sticker collection. She’s been hauling around albums upon albums of stickers for 30 years…yes, 30. She has, however, finally parted ways with her straw-wrapper collection. You heard me Diddy; your crazy daisy Lala used to save the wrappers to the straws she drank her milk with at lunch in 6th grade. (Promise. Ask Nana and Papa.)

Alas, when the shit-of-all-shit hit the fan, Lala could be kept at bay no longer. Without further contemplation, she and Uncle Stephen listed their house in spring. It sold in four days. Without further ado, they began their search for a new home in the Milwaukee area. They found just the perfect one, in just the perfect neighborhood. In turn, your cousins are the new kids on the block, and they will be the new kids at school this fall. Lala will quit a job she loves, and will eventually take one she may or may not like at all. For now, she is living with a friend in Madison, and coming home on the weekends. Uncle Stephen is manning the three kids, two puppy pups – one who cannot walk, and a house in half-moved-in, full-court chaos. (Just another example of Uncle Stephen’s heart of gold…and patience of steel.)

After three sticky, icky days of packing the Madison house and then the most enormous U-haul truck known to man, the Siodlarz family set out on the final leg in their relocation to Milwaukee. Your uncle drove the U-haul, which was pulling another U-haul trailer. (A last minute, “Oh shit. Our stuff isn’t going to fit!” required an impromptu additional trailer rental.) Your Lala was driving the kids and puppy pups in the chocked full mini-van…which, for visualization purposes, was also outfitted with a very stuffed car-top carrier. (Because apparently they still make those?!?) As she made her way from the Beltline in Madison to I-94 towards Milwaukee, an unmistakable message from you emerged high in the sky. In a state of giddy disbelief Lala reached for her phone and called me. She said, “DD….guess what is staring me right in the eyes?!? The most beautiful, vibrant rainbow I’ve ever seen! I don’t know about you, but where I live, not a single drop of rain has fallen in weeks!” I couldn’t get a word in edgewise because Lala was hyperventilating in a half-laugh, half-cry. It didn’t matter. Nothing more needed to be said. We both knew it was you thanking Lala for coming to get your Momma.

A relocation of such nature would be a huge undertaking for any family. But for Lala, it is unprecedented. The realization that Lala and Uncle Stephen uprooted their family, their home, their children and their careers largely in efforts to live closer to Momma is astonishing…and humbling. The love and support they’ve provided throughout the past few years has been unwavering and steadfast. This, however, supersedes my wildest imagination…even from Lala the Wonderful.

Over the past six weeks, I travelled to places both old and new. I set out on that journey in search of peace. To be honest with you, I did not find the peace I was so desperately seeking. However, I’ve come closer to accepting that given all I’ve lost in the past year – my soul may simply never be quite the same. Perhaps the peace I’ve been seeking, the kind that once lived deep inside of me, is not meant to ever live there again. I can’t begin to imagine what the future holds, nor I’m I interested in trying to guess. For now I am channeling my energy into staying “present in the present”. In this moment, I can feel pieces of my broken heart shifting closer together. Your Lala and Uncle Stephen’s unbelievable demonstration of support is the synergy behind this shift. Even if the pieces don’t ever completely converge, I am grateful beyond measure that five very big pieces of my heart are now merely a 15-minute drive away.

IMG_0301

Close those baby blues. Sleep sound. Worry not. We are going to be okay. You and me together…we can do anything, baby.

Here is your lullaby for tonight. It’s in honor of your “One”; your Lala.

I miss you. I love you.

Stay with me, Sweet Boy.

xoox,

Momma

Burt’s Bees & “Little-tiny-bear” Kind of Day

Lil Diddy,

There’s one good thing about it being a weekend…besides not having to get up far too early for someone who falls asleep about 20 minutes before her alarm goes off. On weekends, I allow myself to use your Burt’s Bees Lotion on my chest (right over my heart). Having a scent of you with me all day, makes me feel a tiny bit closer to you. I would use it every day, except that Burt’s Bees made the only bad decision ever – and discontinued the particular lotion. Right after you were born, your genius Nana went gangbusters and bought every bottle she could find – on eBay – even though they were five times their original price. Today, however, is one of those days where I let myself bend the rule a little. I used your lotion on my entire body. I am extra sad today; therefore, I need extra more of you with me. I also stole Little-tiny-bear from your room and put him in my purse. Little-tiny-bear was a late comer to the scene. He arrived in mid-June, but you sure loved him. Not only is super soft and snuggly, he was just the right size for you to grab onto and hold in your hands. Little-tiny-bear stayed with you when I left your body at the hospital on July 2nd. He stayed tucked under your perfect, beautiful hands until Daddy and I picked you up from the funeral home…in a box. Little-tiny-bear was placed in the box right next to you, just as the funeral director promised.

I am still so mad at myself for leaving you at the hospital. I don’t remember leaving – I only remember I didn’t want to. I do remember making Daddy go back into the NICU room to get Giraffey and your potato blankie from Britta. I insisted he get your stuffed animal & a blankie – but, I didn’t insist he go back into the room and grab you. What kind of Momma thinks like that? I guess one who is having an out of body experience because her beloved son just died. But I still will not forgive myself for it. Another thing that tortures me about my behavior on July 2nd is that I didn’t bath your precious body – – one last time.  Even though your spirit had gone, your body was still there with me.  I should have bucked up, pulled myself together, and been a Momma. Instead, I asked your favorite girlfriend, Nurse Renee, if she could do one more favor for me and give you a bath. Of course she agreed. But, Nurse Renee is not your Momma. Nonetheless, she was the last one to give your body a bath. In turn, she put the last diaper, and the last outfit, on your precious body too. I am so sorry, sweet boy.

Daddy and I are going to run errands today. We are going to go in and out of the house, the car, and the stores without juggling 18 things that came along with transporting you with us. I hate the ease in which I can come and go from place to place. I long for the days when it was necessary to invoke super-Sheerah powers in order to remember, carry, and balance the bottles, diapers, blankets, bags, change of clothing, nuks, Giraffey, car seat…and my most precious cargo of all – you…everywhere I went.

I wonder what you would have done today to make me throw my head back, laugh out loud, and thank every angel in the world for sending you to me.

Thank you for being my baby. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe.

IMG_0974
Stay with me, sweet boy.
xoox,
Momma